Mediation Hertfordshire

Monthly Bulletin

May 2011

Welcome to the May edition of the Newsletter.

This month the focus is on learning from the Training Day, which was facilitated by Sue Banwell-Moore.  I have included Sue’s handouts from that day and other information about feelings, particularly the words we use and encourage others to use when they are describing how something has affected them.  We began to have a debate about this on the day, and I envisage that this will continue as we plan to have more regular meetings and practice discussions

Firstly, a few reminders about forthcoming happenings and other items;

• Big Lunch on 5th June – a few of you responded to express interest, but I’ve concluded that there weren’t enough of us to merit having our own table etc. so I’ve suggested that we postpone a get-together until we have a summer social event – to be discussed further on 25th June.
• Saturday 25th June – Whole Team Support Group Meeting in Hatfield – the address of the venue is

Hatfield Memorial Hall

1 French Horn Lane

Hatfield

AL10 8AQ

Timings are 10-12 so please arrive in good time for a prompt start.  There will be the option of going on to a local pub for lunch, for those who are able to stay on for that.

We will be planning more activities for the rest of the year so please come with ideas and thoughts about what would be most helpful for you.

• Blog – just to remind everyone that the way to access the blog is as follows; go to www.blogger.com and login as mediationherts@gmail.com  The password is then mediationherts1959  I would encourage you to have a look and make some comments as well.  This is a good way of us linking with each other to share thoughts and experiences in the absence of regular opportunities to meet.

• Maverick TV – some of you have been involved in being filmed by the TV company, which is producing a series about the work of community mediators.  The programme will go out on Sky 1 and I will alert you all to when it is being shown.  Those of us who have been involved have been encouraged by Maverick’s approach and understanding of the sensitivity of the work that we do, and we hope that the final product will raise the profile of our service and mediation in general.

Handouts from Training Day on 14th May

   Handout 1:   Questioning skills – Types of questions

As mediators working with parties struggling with their conflict we need to be interested and curious about what is of key importance to the parties. Asking questions is therefore crucial. The right question often opens the door and casts light on what it is that matters the most. And so often it is not the presenting position. The right question will be the key to unlocking the real problem.

People don’t tend to get into conflict over things they don’t care about. Be curious...what was it about whatever had been said or done that caused the reaction in them that it did. Is it, for example, that they felt disrespected? Then explore what respect means to them.

Use a range of questions. Questions to get things going, questions to clarify, questions to challenge thoughts and beliefs, questions to get specific detail.

• Open:                What, Where, When, Who and How
                               "so tell me what's been happening?”

                         “How has it all been affecting you?”

              Beware of the Why question.             

• Closed:             Useful for verifying facts but can be limiting
                               "did it happen when you were working with Sarah?”

            • Focused:             Aimed at getting more information, to probe motives
                      "what did you mean when you said it was ....."
                                

• Specifying:   Designed to elicit particular details:

                                              “what exactly did John say when you spoke with him about..........?”

• Clarifying:     Enabling the listener to check facts, content, meaning

   “when you said Frank was offhand at first and then he seemed friendlier, was that

   better for you?”        

• Challenging    Checking relevance, exploring motive, reality-testing
      "can you help me understand how you are sure that..."
      "how is this relevant to..."
      "what makes you so sure he is excluding you deliberately?"

A few good questions to ask:

What’s so important to you that leads you to feel so strongly about XYZ?

What would be the consequences of the situation staying the same or getting even worse?

What is it that matters the most to you?

What is it, do you think, about the situation that makes you feel so  (angry, sad, desperate, depressed or whichever strong emotion they have expressed)

Handout 2: THE SEPARATE MEETING

It can be very helpful to meet separately with each side in turn, perhaps several times. During the mediator’s opening statement include that you will be seeing people separately at some points during the meeting and if they would like to see you privately they can, of course, ask to do so.

Most of the changes in position that take place and lead to agreements occur in separate meetings

EXPLAIN THE SEPARATE MEETING

Stress the confidential nature of the meeting

Explain again that it’s a voluntary process; you’re not there to give opinions or make decisions. Sometimes your role is to play ‘devil’s advocate’ and ask some tough questions. Make it clear you will be doing so with everyone.

EXPLORE POSSIBILITIES

A separate meeting provides the opportunity to explore in detail what is important to each party – to get to their real interests - and what they would like to happen to ensure a better future

CHALLENGE UNHELPFUL BEHAVIOURS

Out of earshot of the other party the mediator can be more ‘upfront’ about the behaviour of the party. An example would be where they have been making unacceptably personal remarks.  Another challenge that can be useful is where a party is not engaging or has not brought up what appeared to be very important things that they told you about at the initial visits. A further useful challenge is when parties are staying stuck and positional.

DISCUSS UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

By playing devil’s advocate and asking the tough questions a mediator can address any unrealistic expectations of the parties. “You still seem to be feeling that the only outcome is for your neighbours to be moved. How likely is this to happen?”

PREPARING PARTIES FOR RETURN TO JOINT SESSION - COACHING

Parties will be more open and honest with you in separate session. You may hear things that you know would be very useful for the other party to hear. Encourage the parties and point out usefulness of their being open etc upon return to the joint meeting.

EMPHASISE  DIFFERENT APPROACH

You need to remember that parties are used to a win/lose outcome to conflict and their approach will often be to try and convince you of the right of their position. Explain that convincing you accomplishes nothing! They need to look for a resolution that they can live with and which will be acceptable to the other side

CHECKING OUT THE AGREEMENT

If time allows have a very short separate meeting with each party after the agreement has been written down but before signing. Ensure they have no reservations.

Handout 3:  RAPPORT  - The effective mediator essential

What is it?

• Rapport is the presence of agreement or alignment
• That feeling of trust
• The ability to form that ‘bond’ with others so that they will unconsciously identify with you and therefore more readily accept your suggestions
• An element of effective verbal communication that is difficult to describe but you "know it when you see it."
• Building a harmonious relationship often in a very brief encounter.

Today we use the word rapport to represent "an especially harmonious connection between people." At the heart of rapport is trust. Without basic trust there is no rapport.

None of us are born with powerful rapport building skills, these are learned, and you can develop and improve them

What is Pacing in Rapport-building?

Pacing means meeting the other person where he or she is, reflecting what he or she knows or assumes to be true, or matching some part of his or her experience.

One easy thing to do is to find out what is going on for the other person. What are their priorities? What are their fears and concerns? What do they need? What are they feeling?  Ask the right questions.

Pacing involves looking for ways to connect with the other person. Nonverbal communication is 70% to 80% of all communication. Are you making appropriate eye contact? What is your body language saying? What are your voice tones suggesting? Are you matching this person's style?

Non-verbal behaviour

Your non-verbal behaviour-- facial expressions, hand gestures, body positioning, arm folding, eye contact, tone and pace of voice, head nods, silence, smiling, etc. can all confirm or contradict verbal rapport building attempts. Make sure both are congruent and accentuate what you really mean to be saying.. Pay great attention to your non-verbal behaviour.

Matching and mirroring

Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) research has uncovered the power of matching and mirroring the other person’s behaviour in building a high level of rapport quickly. This process involves noticing aspects such as their body posture, eye blink rate, facial gestures, voice amplitude, breathing, etc. and then carefully “mimicking” them back in a similar fashion and then eventually taking the lead, getting them to do the same with you. Needless to say, caution is urged with this technique. If it’s obvious and wooden you will do the exact opposite of building rapport!

Handout 4:  VERBAL ASSERTION FOR THE MEDIATOR (and what to avoid!)

Behaving assertively as a mediator is an important skill. It helps to ensure that the mediation process is positive and does not allow aggressive or passive behaviour to win!

Here are some pointers for ensuring that you are assertive without violating the rights, needs and beliefs of other people.

• Use ‘I’ statements such as ‘I think….’ ‘I’d like to……..’ ‘I need……..’

• Distinguish between fact and opinion:  ‘As I see it…’ ‘My opinion is…..’ ‘My experience is different….’  This helps people recognise that things can be different for different people and does not say one is right and the other is wrong.

• Statements that are brief and to the point: ‘I’d like to finish my explanation before we start looking at what’s been happening.’  Long, rambling statements confuse and leave others unclear about what you want.

• Constructive ‘criticism’ which states the fact of people’s actions without attacking them as people. ‘John, I’ve noticed that you’ve not been able to look at me.’ It’s important that there is no blame or jumping to conclusions

• Statements for getting around problems: ‘How can we get around that?’ ‘ Let’s look for a way to overcome that’  ‘ Shall we…..’

• Use open questions to find out the opinions, thoughts and needs of others. ‘What are your thoughts on…’ ‘ How does that seem for you?’

AVOID:

Rambling statements – these are non-assertive

Fill-in and hesitant phrases: ‘you know what I mean’; ‘well….like;’ ‘maybe’; ‘er…erm’.

Justifications of yourself; ‘I wouldn’t normally say this but…’

Profuse apologies and statements that seek permission: ‘I’m really sorry to…’; ‘Excuse me please but could we just…’

An excess of ‘I’ statements with heavy emphasis on the ‘I’.

‘I’ think it would work’ ‘I’d like..’  This is aggressive rather than assertive. It should not seem as if the mediator’s view is more important or that it cannot be challenged.

Threatening questions: ‘Why do you keep staring at them?’ Questions should not be an inquisition or put people on the spot.

Requests in the form of instructions or even threats: ‘You’d better agree…or else..’

Opinions express as facts: ‘That won’t work..’

Advice most especially in the form of ‘should’ or ‘ought’

John Douglas and daughter, Janine

John Douglas is afraid that his 15 year old daughter, Janine, is living a wild lifestyle and going off the rails. She is home only for meals and to do her agreed household chores.  She rarely speaks to her parents and sneaks out to be with her friends when her parents think she is in her bedroom studying.

John’s feelings:

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

John’s needs: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Janine says her father is being unreasonable and dictatorial.  She hates coming home because she feels as though she is in prison.  She is angry that her parents don’t trust her and does not understand what the problem is, since her marks at school are well above average and she does all her set chores.

Janine’s feelings: ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Janine’s needs: ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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Feelings Words

HAPPY feelings

Affectionate

Agreeable

Alive / Eager

Amazed / Delighted

Aware / Clear

Brave / Strong

Calm

Capable

Caring / Friendly

Cheerful

Comfortable

Competent

Confident

Content

Creative / Playful

Determined

Deserving

Energetic

Enthusiastic

Excited / Interested

Exhilarated

Focused

Fortunate

Fulfilled / Satisfied

Free / Adventurous

Glad  / Joyous

Hopeful

Important

Intrigued / Curious

Inspired 

Lovable / Loving

Open

Optimistic

Peaceful / Serene

Powerful

Proud

Relieved

Relaxed / At ease

Rested / Refreshed

Safe / Secure

Special 

Stimulated

Sure

Surprised

Tender

Thankful / Grateful

Thoughtful

Touched / Moved

Trustful

Warm

Whole

Worthy 

SAD feelings

Alone

Ashamed

Awful

Bored

Burned-out

Dead

Depressed

Disappointed

Discouraged

Dull

Dumb

Embarrassed

Empty

Exhausted

Foolish

Gloomy

Heartbroken

Heavy

Helpless

Hopeless

Hurt

Ignorant

Inadequate

Incompetent

Isolated

Lethargic

Lonely

Lost

Miserable

Mixed up

Numb

Overwhelmed

Powerless

Self-conscious

Sheepish

Small

Stuck

Stupid

Suicidal

Tearful

Tired

Undeserving

Unhappy

Uninterested

Unlovable

Unworthy

Upset

Weak

Weary

ANGRY feelings

Annoyed

Bitter

Cross

Discontented

Disgusted

Enraged

Envious

Exasperated

Fed up

Frustrated

Furious

Grouchy

Grumpy

Guilty

Hostile

Impatient

Incensed

Infuriated

Irritable

Irritated

Jealous

Mad

Resentful

Shocked

FEARFUL feelings

Afraid                                                                                                                     Terrified

Alarmed                                                                                                               Torn      

Anxious                                                                                                               Troubled

Apprehensive                                                                                                      Uncomfortable             

Bewildered                                                                                                          Uneasy

Concerned                                                                                                          Unsafe  

Confused                                                                                                            Vulnerable

Defenceless                                                                                                        Wary

Distressed                                                                                                          Worried

Fearful

Frantic

Hesitant

Jumpy

Insecure

Nervous

On edge

Panic-stricken

Perplexed

Pessimistic

Petrified

Puzzled

Reluctant

Scared

Shy

Tense

Feelings or Not

Alison has forwarded the following extract from the ‘7 Keys to Co-operation’

‘Even though the following phrases have the word ‘feel’ in them, notice that they are actually going to express thoughts, judgements or evaluations;

I feel like….I feel that…….I feel it……..I feel as if………I feel you/he/she/they……………

Thoughts posing as feelings lead to anger.

Anger-producing thoughts often pose as feelings.  For example, people say;

I feel manipulated or I feel insulted

Manipulated and insulted, however, are not feelings.  They are thoughts about what you think others are doing to you.  It is more accurate to say;

I think you are manipulating me and when I think that thought, I feel angry.  I also feel sad and scared; I want to trust that you care about me.

These words are all anger-producing thoughts;

To be discussed further………….

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