Mediation Hertfordshire
Monthly Bulletin
April 2010
Welcome to the April edition of the Newsletter.
This month, there are articles on the following themes;
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Victoria Climbie’s life was short and tragic. Born in the Ivory Coast, at the age of seven her parents, Francis and Berthe Climbie, trusted her into the care of a relative, Marie-Therese Kouao, who brought her to England to be educated. It was here that she met her death – tortured and killed by the very person who had promised to help her.
Initially, when we first heard about Victoria, we could not forgive. We are human beings and no human being is perfect. We were tormented by guilt, anguish and hatred, and could not understand how our daughter’s life could have been destroyed by someone who had promised to take care of her. Victoria was very, very precious to us. We had so many expectations and so much hope for our child. Even so, from the very first day we heard about the death of Victoria, we began praying that one day we would be able to forgive.
If you want to live happily and at ease in this life you have to learn to forgive. It shouldn’t matter if the person is unable to ask for forgiveness or even acknowledge that they’ve done wrong, because forgiveness cannot be based on conditions. So we’re not waiting for Marie-Therese to ask for our forgiveness: whether she asks for it or not, we have forgiven her. But while Marie-Therese has shown no remorse, her boyfriend, Carl Manning, did ask for our forgiveness. The sad thing is he hasn’t achieved freedom – not in his body, his mind or his soul. We can’t ignore their culpability. Whatever wrong people do in life there will be a price to pay, but it is not for us to punish. The legal system has its way of dealing with people who are not fit to live among humans.
We have also been able to forgive all those agencies and individuals who were shown through the public inquiry to have failed our daughter. To be locked into a fixed attitude of retribution is to kill a child twice. First, the child is murdered, but if you as the parent then focus only on retribution, you extinguish the very spirit and memory of your child.
Many people in England have asked us why we gave Victoria away. I want to say that we didn’t give her away. In African society children are not just the children of their parents, but the children of their aunts and uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers, brothers and sisters. The greatest privilege of all is for a relative to offer to educate your child abroad. In Africa we are only able to survive because those who are successful feel a duty to help those who are not.
What comfort is revenge? Our greatest desire is that something positive should come out of this tragedy. That’s why we’re opening a school in the Ivory Coast. It will be a centre of excellence providing education for children from all around the world. The sole reason for Victoria coming to England was to get an education. This school is our way of immortalising the spirit and the name of our child.
Story provided courtesy of the Forgiveness Project – www.theforgivenessproject.com
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Two of our newly-trained mediators share their thoughts about the training which they completed in March;
I went into mediation training with some reservations as I was not sure if I would get much out of it and even if I did, how useful it will be in my current situation. I also wondered how I was going to commit to the 6 full days, while juggling work and family. But from the moment I arrived at the venue and met my course mates, I knew that I had made the right decision to be there. The environment was very cosy and the trainees were all so friendly.
Our tutor, Sue, is a master of patience and each and every one of us felt so challenged, inspired and educated by her. I went away from the course each day feeling more and more empowered and set about putting the things I learnt each time in to practice. I was able to look at conflict and dispute in a completely different way.
One of the areas in which I was particularly challenged was in active listening, up until then I was not keenly aware of how much I listened or failed to listen, but now I was able to follow through and support the speakers properly. I also found the role plays very emotional and I found myself really feeling the moment as the client (role player) poured out their hearts. Remaining empathetic rather than sympathetic is still an ongoing challenge however.
Since finishing the course, I began a pet project of grouping friends and family into their various categories of conflict management styles. Some I found to be predominantly turtles and sharks, others were foxes or bears. I found that by putting them in categories I am able to deal more sensitively with their reaction to conflict, which helps me to focus on resolving the issues in dispute rather than focusing on how loud or churlish they might have been.
I am truly very thankful for having been on this course as its merits cannot be overstated, particularly for someone like me, who really enjoys helping people.
Susan Michaels
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A letter has dropped through the box
Excitement-my names on the stocks
Mediation’s the aim
My name’s in the frame-
So hurry, let’s remove the chocks!
I’m starting my training today
Excitement-but nerves in the way
It’s snowing outside
But inside we confide-
And bravely, we start our first day!
We’re starting to learn our new skill
And we feel like we’ve been through the mill
When we should show empathy
It ends up as sympathy
Clearly not fitting the bill!
The whole process has now been studied
The trainees are thoroughly blooded
An effective round table
Is where we aim to be able
Our waters in no way can be muddied!
On our last day, our new skills are tested
So we better make sure we have rested
Our round tables are whirling
Our skills are now sterling
Our outcomes cannot really be bested!
Alison White
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This service has very recently had a change of Manager, after Pauline Grounds’ retirement at the end of 2009. Pauline had been a dynamic and energetic Manager for many years and the organisation recruited a successor, Gary Dransfield, who has inherited a strong team, with a very clear ethos about direction and future developments.
Gary has come into mediation having worked in the private sector, and he has brought a different perspective to the service. Because of his knowledge of the business world, he has gone about thinking through future strategy with a focus on sustainability and the likelihood of diminishing funds from the public purse.
Gary is selling the services of Cambridge Mediation to the public sector, initially targeting the Social Care sector, which has responsibility for children and young people in the Cambridge area. He has offered to run a pilot project for Social Workers, who can refer cases for mediation where young people are in conflict with their families. This is a preventative service, aiming to divert young people from eventual homelessness by building bridges with the family, before relationships break down. The pilot is being offered free of charge, with a view to assessing the outcomes and then being paid to deliver this mediation intervention – thus saving a massive amount of resources in the future, as well as the emotional costs of family breakdown, which are difficult to quantify in financial terms.
In Hertfordshire, this type of mediation work is undertaken by the Herts Young Homeless Group. Some years ago, as some of you may remember, we had a project called Room To Talk, which was a similar service to the one Cambridge is developing. There is a need for this type of preventative work and Gary is very hopeful that the pilot will prove successful and that the Social Care Department funds its roll-out across Cambridge.
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June Team Meeting etc.
Just a few pieces of news and information for your diaries;
07925 512587
Please can you add your name to the message as we will not know otherwise who it’s from.
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Any comments/feedback on this Newsletter will be gratefully received.